I'm Back... But you probably shouldn't bother reading this one...

Sooooooooooooooooo.... guess who's back? It is I... King of the Lagos Party. Hehhehehehe.


I realize it's been AGES since I last wrote anything new on here, and I apologize. It's Twitter's fault. Someone once told me "people are starting to realize that twitter is to blogs, what emails were to letters"; and it's soooo true. It is ridiculously convenient to just vent in short paragraphs on Twitter and engage people in their responses, and walahi (talahi gimme lighter) it has totally murdered my blogging habit.

In any case, I'm on a mission to attempt to fix this. I refuse to let go!!! Blogging/Writing/etc is a huge part of my artistic expression!!! (That sounds way more impressive than it actually is). Seriously though, I do hope to try and blog often again, because I enjoy it, and apparently some of you do too. (Sidebar: Thanks so much for all the comments on here; and a HUGE Thank you to everyone that follows the blog and has taken the time to read my random rants. I appreciate you guys, you're the best).

This particular post isn't anything special. Primarily, I just wanted to apologize for being missing-in-action. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd also like to vent about something very serious. No it's not politics or corruption (feel free to scroll down and read my last 2 or 3 posts for that). It's about my househelp/caretaker/etc. Let's call him "Simon". Feel free to stop reading now. Really.

I moved into my new house about 4 or so months ago. I hired Simon shortly afterwards. I'm now convinced about a few things. For one, Simon's main mission in life is to torture me. Really. I shall explain. Simon almost definitely has a severe case of A-D-D and SEVERE language/communication problems. I understand that he hails from a French Speaking African Country, and thus English is something he's picked up along the way, but damn. How he has survived in Naija this long without being able to properly communicate is nothing short of amazing. You tell him something and he turns around and does the EXACT opposite; and if you call him out on it, he gives you what can only be described as the best "deer-in-headlights" look you'll ever see. 

Me: "Simon, abeg, only use water from these bottles to fill the ice-cube tray. No dey use water from tap oh! Because e no clean. U Understand? Na only this bottled water u go use oh! ONLY bottled water!!!!"

Simon: "Yes."

PS: I think he answers every statement with "Yes". But that's another story. 

Two mins later, I come downstairs and guess what? Yes. Simon has fetched tap water in a bucket and is  now filling the ice cube trays with it. 

He's also either incredibly inept at budgeting, or he thinks he's incredibly smart at duping. Allow me to give you an example (there are so many to choose from)

Simon: "Oga, we need fruits. And shoe Polish"
Me: "Okay, pls write out the list and the total price"
Simon: "Yes"

Simon comes back with a list as follows: Bananas, Apples, Oranges, Pineapples. Black and Brown Polish. And a brush. N10,000.

Yes. TEN THOUSAND NAIRA for fruits and shoe polish!!!! You'd think the fruits were coming with a supermodel to feed them to you. You ask him what the hell he's thinking and yes, you guessed it... "Deer-in-headlights" again. And these are just two of MANY examples. Don't get me wrong though, he has his good sides. He's a nice guy... and I think he generally means well. Oh! And he's great at ironing. (That's if the clothes actually make it through the wash without discoloring or disintegrating. And... okay.. I'm reaching here... Okay I got nothing else at the moment.

But with Simon, I've come to realize that this is just who he is. He's a terrible cook, thus the meat will ALWAYS be too hard, or so soft it shreds into the stew. And it's either the food will be absolutely saltless or WAY too salty. The Jollof Rice will never ever ever be quite the right color. And every month, after receiving his salary, he comes to ask for a raise. 

Luckily for me, now that I've moved into the new place, my folks flew in to visit for the first time since I moved back to Nigeria. So I have Mom's home cooking for a couple weeks before they head back out. I'm seriously hoping that some of her cooking skills rub off on Simon, otherwise we will have to end our business relationship. Because in the wise words of great songwriter/poet who's name escapes me at the moment, "I can do bad all by myself".

Good to be back. Now log out and go follow @BankyW on twitter.
~ B.W.