Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I'm Back... But you probably shouldn't bother reading this one...

Sooooooooooooooooo.... guess who's back? It is I... King of the Lagos Party. Hehhehehehe.


I realize it's been AGES since I last wrote anything new on here, and I apologize. It's Twitter's fault. Someone once told me "people are starting to realize that twitter is to blogs, what emails were to letters"; and it's soooo true. It is ridiculously convenient to just vent in short paragraphs on Twitter and engage people in their responses, and walahi (talahi gimme lighter) it has totally murdered my blogging habit.

In any case, I'm on a mission to attempt to fix this. I refuse to let go!!! Blogging/Writing/etc is a huge part of my artistic expression!!! (That sounds way more impressive than it actually is). Seriously though, I do hope to try and blog often again, because I enjoy it, and apparently some of you do too. (Sidebar: Thanks so much for all the comments on here; and a HUGE Thank you to everyone that follows the blog and has taken the time to read my random rants. I appreciate you guys, you're the best).

This particular post isn't anything special. Primarily, I just wanted to apologize for being missing-in-action. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd also like to vent about something very serious. No it's not politics or corruption (feel free to scroll down and read my last 2 or 3 posts for that). It's about my househelp/caretaker/etc. Let's call him "Simon". Feel free to stop reading now. Really.

I moved into my new house about 4 or so months ago. I hired Simon shortly afterwards. I'm now convinced about a few things. For one, Simon's main mission in life is to torture me. Really. I shall explain. Simon almost definitely has a severe case of A-D-D and SEVERE language/communication problems. I understand that he hails from a French Speaking African Country, and thus English is something he's picked up along the way, but damn. How he has survived in Naija this long without being able to properly communicate is nothing short of amazing. You tell him something and he turns around and does the EXACT opposite; and if you call him out on it, he gives you what can only be described as the best "deer-in-headlights" look you'll ever see. 

Me: "Simon, abeg, only use water from these bottles to fill the ice-cube tray. No dey use water from tap oh! Because e no clean. U Understand? Na only this bottled water u go use oh! ONLY bottled water!!!!"

Simon: "Yes."

PS: I think he answers every statement with "Yes". But that's another story. 

Two mins later, I come downstairs and guess what? Yes. Simon has fetched tap water in a bucket and is  now filling the ice cube trays with it. 

He's also either incredibly inept at budgeting, or he thinks he's incredibly smart at duping. Allow me to give you an example (there are so many to choose from)

Simon: "Oga, we need fruits. And shoe Polish"
Me: "Okay, pls write out the list and the total price"
Simon: "Yes"

Simon comes back with a list as follows: Bananas, Apples, Oranges, Pineapples. Black and Brown Polish. And a brush. N10,000.

Yes. TEN THOUSAND NAIRA for fruits and shoe polish!!!! You'd think the fruits were coming with a supermodel to feed them to you. You ask him what the hell he's thinking and yes, you guessed it... "Deer-in-headlights" again. And these are just two of MANY examples. Don't get me wrong though, he has his good sides. He's a nice guy... and I think he generally means well. Oh! And he's great at ironing. (That's if the clothes actually make it through the wash without discoloring or disintegrating. And... okay.. I'm reaching here... Okay I got nothing else at the moment.

But with Simon, I've come to realize that this is just who he is. He's a terrible cook, thus the meat will ALWAYS be too hard, or so soft it shreds into the stew. And it's either the food will be absolutely saltless or WAY too salty. The Jollof Rice will never ever ever be quite the right color. And every month, after receiving his salary, he comes to ask for a raise. 

Luckily for me, now that I've moved into the new place, my folks flew in to visit for the first time since I moved back to Nigeria. So I have Mom's home cooking for a couple weeks before they head back out. I'm seriously hoping that some of her cooking skills rub off on Simon, otherwise we will have to end our business relationship. Because in the wise words of great songwriter/poet who's name escapes me at the moment, "I can do bad all by myself".

Good to be back. Now log out and go follow @BankyW on twitter.
~ B.W.

46 comments:

Funms-the rebirth said...

LMAO!!!!!!! hehehehehehehehe.........I like Simon :p

CB's Suga said...

Hehehe sounds like you need a new housekeeper

CB's Suga said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
celitheactress said...

It looks like to me you need to hire someone new... LOL

ZeL said...

You probably should fire him then and get someone more competent...I think he thinks he's incredibly smart @ duping you.

@"I can do bad all by myself", I think Mary J. sang it in Tyler Perry's movie?

Eknoreda said...

I can totally relate to this piece. Our help at home does not speak English, neither does he speak Yoruba.. We communicate via hand gestures. When he wants to tell us the diesel in the Gen is finished, he says... "Generator.. diesel.. no.. no!!" lol.

Absolutely hillarious. with time however, you know Simeon will improve.

Welcome back to blogsville... we missed you!

Eknoreda said...

I can totally relate to this piece. Our help at home does not speak English, neither does he speak Yoruba.. We communicate via hand gestures. When he wants to tell us the diesel in the Gen is finished, he says... "Generator.. diesel.. no.. no!!" lol.

Absolutely hillarious. with time however, you know Simeon will improve.

Welcome back to blogsville... we missed you!

Onose said...

lmyo ( laugh my yansh off) simon is funny! good to have you back.

@IAmSeun said...

lovely write up...and u seriuzli and urgently need to get a cook... keep the housekeeper but get a Good cook

Ayensuaa said...

LOLOL!! I want to see Simon!
This was a good read n welcome back!!

doll said...

you need a wife too

our world said...

this made me laugh so hard i almost pissed my pants ...... i ask u 1 question y is Simon still wkin or u n who recommended him lol.
My dads name is Simon n altho a great politician housekeepin has never been his fing....maybe its al in the name. Good luck wif e BW/SIMON relationship...

our world said...

oh n i love bloggin but wk n hectic schedule has not allowed me in over a yr to even look @ it so dnt feel so bad u r doin great.....

Tout à fait Bizarre said...

LWKMD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank goodness you're back.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Wicked simon. Employ me instead. Am a good cook n thr r "other services too"! Lol.

tupsyturvy said...

lol 'simon' sounds like a walking joke, glad to see you back.

Fellow Writer (Ayokunle Falomo) said...

Hahaha, Welcome back Mr Capable! And Good luck with Simon....lol

gretel said...

welcome back mr bank,good luck to you and your work and btw that waving flag song rocks.

2cute4u said...

Okay, good to have you back..
I actually wondered if you were ever coming back..
Anyway, I still think you're fond of the guy though, aside everything else!
Funny easy way of writing you have!
I'd you on twitter as long as you add me back huh?
@blaze4me

Bunmmy said...

'i can do bad all by myself' is a movie by Tyler Perry and song by MJB. guess he will learn or straighten out somehow...lol

Dolapo said...

lollll...awwww bless his soul! Please dont fire him. He seems so adorable. And im sure he is totally malleable too, seems like it at anyway. Keep him banky. Its nice tht you are blogging again, you are such a nice laugh. Please come on here often so i dnt hv to go on twitter again to get my frequent doze of banky drama! Make it at least once a month at least pleaseeeeeee! xxxxx

Vanity said...

This is a funny post. lol. Haven't read the rest of your blog yet but you made me laugh and I hate to be repetitive but you need new help or you need to learn to cook

www.somepeoplehaverealproblems-vain.blogspot.com

xx

ibiluv said...

Hey dearie

nice to have you back here

dont know why
but i aiint feeling twitter

Simon?
i like

u can teach simon to cook
or send him to catering school

but if he isnt doing what you hired him for

tough luck
there are some okon's out there that will give u value for ya money

wink

get some recipes from mama(well that is on my brother's to do list)

AJ said...

Well "Mr. Capable", sounds to me like Simon's gotta go. May I recommend getting a wifey, that should fix your problems real good. Not only would she cook and clean but balancing the household budget is a female specialty. Simi would be an appropriate name. Sounds like Simon ... hehehe. Hey, don't blame us, many of us ceratinly want to see a "Mrs. Capable" soon and Simon's faux pas maybe "Simi's" opportunity. Keep us posted!!!!!

Sumptuous said...

Welcome back and pls dont fire simon coz u will def miss him. He'll learn with time.

Ms Dang said...

Thank U @nigeriamusic for posting a tweet that lead me back here. Your posting regime's almost *keyword being almost* as bad as mine. Simon!!! SMH...it could be worse...mine turned to Madam n I became the home mgr. Anyways glad to see you're back *sorta*. You might wanna subscribe to feedburner though!

CommeUnChef said...

You must know some "passable and half decent" french from school at least.... the guy is Francophone and you could revert to his default language.
As with all hired help, one needs to be very prescriptive when instructing them.
Anyway..... what do I know???? Besides, I dont live in Nigeria and I dont have any hired help to worry about.

Keep us posted on any progress you've made.

Cheers,
CommeUnChef

anonymously fab said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Justin said...

Lmao this is some hilarious ish here iLike

Daydah said...

What you need is a WIFE that can cook. Shikenah!

Ebun said...

Baybeee, I would totally be your housekeeper even with my Chem Eng degree :D

stephanie said...

Lmao!!!
This is my first time on this blog and I m definitly coming back!!
Simon is one of a kind!!!

Nuciwills said...

Bankyyyyy oooo!!
Luagh tear my belle die... Simon's gotta go, hope he has oo b4 he will put kerosene as groundnut oil, lol!
Mehnnnnn, U need a wife!
lwkm!

Anonymous said...

NICE ONE BANKY...got me lollllzzzzz

Vickii said...

Apologies if this comes across surprised but you're actually funny, and self-deprecating, and did I say funny?

Ha ha, I think Simon sounds hilarious, he's probably worth keeping around just for anecdotal mileage he provides! I think we all have a 'Simon' in our lives - you're not sure why they're there as they're definitely not doing what they're supposed to be doing but somehow, we can't bring ourselves to get rid of them :)

Anonymous said...

Mary J Blige lol

Anonymous said...

lol

amardkcihc said...

maybe i'm missing something,but, idid not see any bank statements.

i.e. i think proof of payment via proof of earnings should be the very first thing to publish these days.

so to offer something more "proving" than just basic hype

Oligbinde Damilola said...

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,i'm laughing my head ooooooooo

first, get a englis teasha for Simon,
second,get a female housekeeper for ur own sanity,
third,get a middleman to help u communicate wit S..so S can only v a portfolio witno office,
fourthly,get a financial assistant,mayb from EFCC so dt S wnt dupe u in d future,
and lastly,get married so that all d above advises will b null n void....

kemmy_b said...

I really love Simon for being such a VERY funny character, but i hate hate him for trying to make ur life miserable. Looking on the bright side, atleast the experience has taught you patience.

fatai balogun said...

is this really true?

fatai balogun said...

is this really true or what?

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Suadolaps said...

Aww nice blog. Didn't actually check it until today and most of it made me LMFAOOO.

Its really cool !

Anonymous said...

Nice one banky, just do ur fan a favour and follow me @captsi , Thanks Boss...